A Long Remembrance, A Thankful Heart, And A Blessed Hope

This is a long remembrance, the cry of a thankful heart, and the shout of a blessed hope:

The door shut behind me. This apartment was nice. I looked out over the balcony. Before me a mountain range sloped across the sky, and aspen trees rustled in the wind's embrace. This was Colorado. I had always wanted to move, to just go away, and be by myself. This was my opportunity. This was my time to be a man, and not need anyone, to be strong. In the end, I would show everyone that I was tough, and that I could make it on my own.

There was nothing in the apartment but my bag, backpack, and computer. Mom was shipping my boxes to me. I stepped outside on the balcony, and sat down on the chair I brought with me. I lit up one of the black and mild cigars that I hoped would bring comfort, but there wasn't much there for me. I put on my headphones and dived into the soundtrack from LEGENDS OF THE FALL, and for a moment, I was caught up in being the wild one who won't ever let life hurt him again, who won't ever, ever make that mistake again. There was no resolve.

I went inside, sliding the balcony door behind me. I opened up my laptop, and put in, THE LAST SAMURAI. A movie. A movie will always soothe me. I will take my comfort in this. Surely, surely, this. Nothing.

I sat back on the bare floor, in the empty apartment, with my broken, lonely soul. And I cried. I just sat there and cried. There was nothing else to do.

That night would come again a year and a half later in a different place, but the new night brought a change. I started pleading with God.

I started saying, "If you really exist, if you really care, will you help me? Or, will you make it to where I never wake up again? Please do one of these. Please. I can't go on. I give up. I've done every possible thing I know to do in life, and I quit. I don't have any more strength to fight. I am dead. Take me or help me. Take me or help me. Take me or help me. Please help. I'm so scared."

He did both.

He reached down and grabbed me, and threw me into a place I still don't fully understand. He broke me, scattered me into specks of dust floating in the wind. Then he gathered the dust up, and breathed life into me. He revived me according to His word. (Psalm 119) In faithfulness He afflicted me, and His lovingkindess comforted me. (Psalm 119) He heard my voice according to His lovingkindess. (Psalm 119)

"The right hand of the Lord is exalted;
The right hand of the Lord does valiantly.

I will not die, but live,
And tell of the works of the Lord. (Let it be Lord! Send me out for Your Glory!)
The Lord has disciplined me severely,
But He has not given me over to death."

-Psalm 118:15-18 NASB

"This is my comfort in my affliction,
That Your word has revived me."

-Psalm 119:50

Jesus saves!

By His will, by His power, for His glory, He brought me to the Village, and He opened my eyes to see strength, to see what being a man is--a shape of dust in need of a savior. A soul completely dependent on Jesus.

He opened my eyes to see that I am nothing but a soul that cleaves to the dust. (Psalm 119) My very nature reaches for the dust I was crafted from. I am hopeless without Him. I am dead in my trespasses. I should be dead right now.

But He saves! Jesus saves! He revived me according to His word. All those years ago, He took the dust from the ground, formed it, and breathed life into the first man according to the power of His word. Then man tasted death. How will this dust live again?

It will live according to His word!

"Revive me according to Your word."

-Psalm 119:25

Breathe on us Lord. Do not leave us to death and despair. Do not let us return to the dust we came from. Revive us according to Your word! Amen.

I am thankful. From such places of loneliness and despair the Lord has saved me. He has taught me other things about being a man. A man needs help from friends. A man is not strong by himself, he is dead. A man needs help.

I don't understand the friends I have. I don't understand the community I live in. How could I, for who can fully know the ways of the Lord? Because it is the Lord that has crafted the community I live in. IT IS NOT MAN! It wouldn't make any sense if it was man. Only our merciful Lord could establish something like this.

A letter of encouragement. Dinners with great food, and deep conversation. Dedicated nights of affirmation and challenge. Rebuking. Prayer. Comfort. Sympathy. Empathy. Laughter. Movies. Trips. Study. Music. Swimming. Fun. A shoulder, and a hand. A hug, and a kiss. Help.

The Lord is mighty. The Lord is to be praised.

I am thankful. Most people live their whole lives without a whole week of this community, much less years. We have been given a miracle in our midst.

Why? For His glory, for our joy, and for others. This must go out. It cannot, cannot, cannot end on us. We must not turn a deaf ear, or a blind eye to those that are hurting around us. We cannot be closed, but open, seeking out those who were like us--hurt, confused, lost, and in despair. May He bring them to Himself, and may He use us to be His hands and feet in this broken world. May He open our eyes to see the lost.

I am thankful. He has shown me what friendship can look like. He has shown me a concern that is not built on selfish gain, but on the outpouring of a love for Jesus. A care that is not worried about what it will receive, but what it can give. A deep, earnest desire to serve, rather than to be served. A life of sacrifice, not selfishness. May it be!

I am thankful. God's word is so heart-wrenching. But it is full of hope. It is real, and it is hard, and His ways are not our ways. There is a passage in Job that grabbed me today, and ultimately became the whole motivation for writing this passage.

It is a story of pain, grief, and loss, but it's a story of friends too. Of how God will use broken, dust-filled men to comfort His children in community.

****Before I share the story, I think it is crucial to say that the friends in this story are rebuked by God, and that they cause harm in the end, which shows that friends can never be our ultimate hope. But I believe this short story illustrates a moment that God used broken, dust-filled men to comfort His child. And it's the way He used them to comfort in this moment that so intrigues me.****

This story is from the book of Job. Job has lost his possessions. He has lost his sons and daughters. He has boils from his feet to his head. He is scraping himself while sitting in ashes. His wife has asked him to curse God and die.

In this moment, Job's three friends come to see him. They have heard of all his adversity, and they want to sympathize with him and comfort him.

What will they do? In this moment, how will they comfort him? Here is what happened:

"When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great."

(italics, my emphasis) Job 2:12-13 NASB

What did they do? In this moment, they did not try to give Job the wisest nugget of wisdom ever given to man. They did not try to fix anything. They did not curse Job, or laugh at him, or find fault with him. In this moment, they did something else:

"Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great."

For seven days and seven nights? Wow. Haha. That is amazing. Could any of us do that? Would any of us do that? I know I always want to give that one word of wisdom that will set things right, or tunnel down into the depths of the problem to find the answer. This is finally what Job's friends attempt to do too, but before their folly, they do something amazing. They just sit there with him. There are no words. There is nothing to say. They are just there with him, "because they saw that his pain was very great."

I think in this moment, we see one of the many ways community can work in God's hands. Sometimes, we just need to be there for each other. There is nothing we can do, and nothing we can fix. All we can do is be there. And by God's grace, I have friends that will just be there, because there is nothing else they can do. I want others to have this too. I have hope that they will.

I have a long remembrance of what it's like without this community. And I have a thankful heart for the community He has given now. More than anything I have a blessed hope, because my hope is ultimately not in community itself, nor in what God has done in my life, nor in what He is doing and will do in others lives, nor in my church, nor in my future. It is in Him. It is in the maker and sustainer of the universe, the Holy One of Israel.

In the end, I have A Blessed Hope,

"For it is for this we labor and strive, because we have fixed our hope on the living God, who is the Savior of all men, especially of believers."

-1 Timothy 4:10