Unearthing The Deep Things

The other night, God gave me something remarkable--two hours of concentrated prayer. It was revelatory. Engrossing. Encompassing. He is so gracious.

He revealed something gorge deep to me that night. It goes all the way back to my childhood, something buried beneath miles of medication. I wanted my Mom to save me from all the darkness pervading our lives in the wake of my parent's divorce. Later, I wanted her to save me from junior high, and the changes into becoming a man I wasn't ready for. She never did because she never could. I've resented her for that.

When she couldn't fill the chasm, I turned to the girl I thought could be everything Mom wasn't. In our love, we would do everything right my parents did wrong. We would love each other with a pure love that would cover the cuts of the past. She would do what mom couldn't.

That didn't work either. She couldn't save me. She couldn't be my mom. Even if I wanted her to with every action or non-action I took. So many things become clear in the light of His gospel. Crystal clear. Of course we had a disastrous sex life. I'm amazed we ever had sex. And even though everyone doesn't have this exact reason for the problem, I have been shocked to learn how many married Christians have little to no sex life. I wonder how big of a secret this really is in the Bible Belt churches we live in.

Oh, God, give us the Grace to bring these things to the light. Give us the courage to be honest. Give us the heart to forgive, and not to judge. Help us.

So He reveals how my heart jumps for the next woman who might fill that gorge. He reveals that liking someone isn't bad in and of itself. He reveals my lust for satisfaction in created things, for hope in creation rather than creator. Oh, how my heart jumps! I need Grace to put my hope in Him, and not people. Cursed is the man who trusts in man, and makes flesh his strength. (Jeremiah 17:5) He reveals that I need more of Him. He cuts open the scabs on my relationship with Mom, and lets me bleed to heal. He so tenderly reveals that it's not fixed. It's not fixed. Not yet. It's going to be a struggle against my flesh. But it's in the light now. It's in the open where all may see, and where in Grace, Love, and Hope healing comes.

Most of all, He reveals the most beautiful news of all: I am totally depraved, wicked from the inside out, and totally reliant on His love and mercy. And He gives it! Oh, how he gives it! Not because of anything we do, but because He wants to. What grace this is that we live in brothers and sisters. What overwhelming grace.