My counselor said something wonderful today. He is so insightful.
I asked him how, if I were to ever be married again, I could know I wouldn't make the same mistakes. How can I know I've truly changed? Some days I feel like I've learned JuJitsu because I read a book, and I can move on the next thing. (Matrix reference for those of you who are lost) Then two days, two weeks, or two years later, the same problems may creep up. How can I know?
He told me something one of his mentors told him. He said:
"There are two days that are God's alone, yesterday and tomorrow. Today is the day you both have. Worry about today, for tomorrow has its own worries, and you cannot change yesterday."
Now, obviously, this has to be taken in the greater context of eternity, but with that in mind, there is so much truth here. I worry so much about figuring out the future, and lamenting the past, that sometimes I leave no room for today.
God is changing me. He is sanctifying me. Let me encounter each day's transformation on its own.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Catching Lightning Bugs In A Jar
Writing about Jonathan made me think of some of our past correspondences. There are many I would love to share, but this one stood out:
SHADOW FOREST,
"Sometimes, when you live a life worth remembering, and when you pour your self out for others to see, a part of you comes back to find you, a piece of you that you left behind." (S.F./K.R.)
this is absolutely beautiful from CAPTURING LIGHTNING BUGS IN GLASS JARS, bro... i was just reading back over some of your writings and thought i'd return this one to you... for you to read with fresh eyes and an unexpecting Heart:
"It is odd how even our physical memories of the past reside in dark, cramped rooms in the attics, sheds, and corners of our homes. How we turn off the light and shut the door on the past when we are done looking at it.
But if Einstein's theories of relativity are true, as humans we have just tried to capture a living, breathing thing in a holding cell so that we can look in on it when we want to in the same way a child captures a lightning bug in a glass jar.
And odder still how time repeats itself--maybe that gives further credence to Mr. Einstein.
The ghosts of one generation's youth are the near past of a present generation and the coming future of a bubbling generation. And even more so in a small town. How deep the threads must run when even after mixing genes the child so resembles the adult, in more ways than one.
What is that pang in my deepest insides? Why do I know these people so well? Why am I looking THROUGH a mirror, not in a mirror?
This is the trail I am following. This line leads me past families watching me pass by, it leads me past shared memories, it leads me beyond common bonds, it brings me to the root of the matter, to the root of life itself.
And it ends where it began--KIRBYVILLE."
-from my friend and brother, SHADOW FOREST-- Kent Rabalais
SHADOW FOREST,
"Sometimes, when you live a life worth remembering, and when you pour your self out for others to see, a part of you comes back to find you, a piece of you that you left behind." (S.F./K.R.)
this is absolutely beautiful from CAPTURING LIGHTNING BUGS IN GLASS JARS, bro... i was just reading back over some of your writings and thought i'd return this one to you... for you to read with fresh eyes and an unexpecting Heart:
"It is odd how even our physical memories of the past reside in dark, cramped rooms in the attics, sheds, and corners of our homes. How we turn off the light and shut the door on the past when we are done looking at it.
But if Einstein's theories of relativity are true, as humans we have just tried to capture a living, breathing thing in a holding cell so that we can look in on it when we want to in the same way a child captures a lightning bug in a glass jar.
And odder still how time repeats itself--maybe that gives further credence to Mr. Einstein.
The ghosts of one generation's youth are the near past of a present generation and the coming future of a bubbling generation. And even more so in a small town. How deep the threads must run when even after mixing genes the child so resembles the adult, in more ways than one.
What is that pang in my deepest insides? Why do I know these people so well? Why am I looking THROUGH a mirror, not in a mirror?
This is the trail I am following. This line leads me past families watching me pass by, it leads me past shared memories, it leads me beyond common bonds, it brings me to the root of the matter, to the root of life itself.
And it ends where it began--KIRBYVILLE."
-from my friend and brother, SHADOW FOREST-- Kent Rabalais
The Shadow Forest
I have had many people ask me where the name Shadow Forest comes from. A good friend of mine named Jonathan gave me the name Shadow Forest. It is my "poet" name.
Each year, Jonathan takes a group of senior high school guys in Waco, Texas, and spends the year with them. Jonathan is the most passionate person I've ever met. When I'm around him, there is an energy that ripples through my soul for days after we part. He is a deep thinker, and an insightful word smith.
During the year with the seniors, Jonathan has them write poetry under a bridge, takes them on journeys into forests, and sits with them in meadows as God paints the sky with a thousand colors. This year is a time for them to open up about the deeper things in their lives, and to hopefully speak honestly about their struggles and fears, as well as their hopes and dreams. Throughout the year, each young man writes journal entries, poetry, fiction, and even creates other art like photography and painting.
At the end of the year many meaningful things happen that I will not share here, but one that I will share is that each person is given a name. This is their "poet" name. If you have ever seen DEAD POETS SOCIETY, it is something like this.
One year, I was fortunate enough to be at a meeting where the young men received their name. I thought Jonathan was finished, but he turned to me, and presented me with my name. It was very meaningful to me.
I first met Jonathan during the time she was in Italy, and after she left, our new friendship was an immense blessing. We talked often of great books, writing, and adventure. He was and is such an encouragement. For him to give me a name, and make me a part of the group meant a great deal.
The name he gave me that night was, The Shadow Forest. He gave me this name, and in a beautiful way, described why he was giving me this name. I lost my little piece of paper, but in general this is why he gave me the name:
He said the deepest parts and truest parts of me are hidden. That only in walking in the forest could one see the real me, and even then it was like shadows that one walks in and out of.
I thought this was the greatest thing at the time. It is so true of me. It cut to my heart.
But it hasn't been until recently that I have seen the tragedy in it. I hide in the forest. I love the forest because of the shadows it throws over me. I don't want people to know me, because then they will leave me.
This isn't what God desires for me, or any of his children. It is bondage. What am I hiding from? There is no shame after the resurrection. Jesus paid the price in his blood. What more do I need? If people leave me, that is them seeking needs from me instead of God. My need to have them near is me needing them over God. The desire for community is great. It is biblical. The feeling that my life will be over if I don't get it from certain people is wrong. God ultimately must be my provider, comforter, and nurturer, not man or things.
Oh, how I struggle with this everyday. My tendency is to hide. I like to be up at night, and asleep in the day. I like to be by myself. I need help to stop this. I need Him to change me.
Now the name Shadow Forest has many meanings for me. It is a stream divided. For now it reminds me not to hide. I don't want to live in the Shadows.
Each year, Jonathan takes a group of senior high school guys in Waco, Texas, and spends the year with them. Jonathan is the most passionate person I've ever met. When I'm around him, there is an energy that ripples through my soul for days after we part. He is a deep thinker, and an insightful word smith.
During the year with the seniors, Jonathan has them write poetry under a bridge, takes them on journeys into forests, and sits with them in meadows as God paints the sky with a thousand colors. This year is a time for them to open up about the deeper things in their lives, and to hopefully speak honestly about their struggles and fears, as well as their hopes and dreams. Throughout the year, each young man writes journal entries, poetry, fiction, and even creates other art like photography and painting.
At the end of the year many meaningful things happen that I will not share here, but one that I will share is that each person is given a name. This is their "poet" name. If you have ever seen DEAD POETS SOCIETY, it is something like this.
One year, I was fortunate enough to be at a meeting where the young men received their name. I thought Jonathan was finished, but he turned to me, and presented me with my name. It was very meaningful to me.
I first met Jonathan during the time she was in Italy, and after she left, our new friendship was an immense blessing. We talked often of great books, writing, and adventure. He was and is such an encouragement. For him to give me a name, and make me a part of the group meant a great deal.
The name he gave me that night was, The Shadow Forest. He gave me this name, and in a beautiful way, described why he was giving me this name. I lost my little piece of paper, but in general this is why he gave me the name:
He said the deepest parts and truest parts of me are hidden. That only in walking in the forest could one see the real me, and even then it was like shadows that one walks in and out of.
I thought this was the greatest thing at the time. It is so true of me. It cut to my heart.
But it hasn't been until recently that I have seen the tragedy in it. I hide in the forest. I love the forest because of the shadows it throws over me. I don't want people to know me, because then they will leave me.
This isn't what God desires for me, or any of his children. It is bondage. What am I hiding from? There is no shame after the resurrection. Jesus paid the price in his blood. What more do I need? If people leave me, that is them seeking needs from me instead of God. My need to have them near is me needing them over God. The desire for community is great. It is biblical. The feeling that my life will be over if I don't get it from certain people is wrong. God ultimately must be my provider, comforter, and nurturer, not man or things.
Oh, how I struggle with this everyday. My tendency is to hide. I like to be up at night, and asleep in the day. I like to be by myself. I need help to stop this. I need Him to change me.
Now the name Shadow Forest has many meanings for me. It is a stream divided. For now it reminds me not to hide. I don't want to live in the Shadows.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
A Letter
A Letter
This is a letter I wrote to the woman who was my wife. I place it here only in the hopes that in reading this, one marriage might be saved before it is too late, and for his glory. Know this is hard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 15, 2006 10:10 P.M.
I hope you are well. Wow, it's hard to write you a letter. Harder than I thought it would be. I hope one of these emails is even right. Tonight, I had to write you a letter. I want to write you a letter. Why? Let me try to tell you in a brief way.
In March of last year, I was lying in my bed, crying out for help, crying to God. All I could say was, "Please, please help me to find a church home. I don't know what it looks like, or where it is, but I need help." I had been praying this for a few months. One day, I got a call from Miranda Stephenson. She was calling about our high school reunion. In the midst of our conversation she asked me if I had a church home. I said no. Then she told me about this place she was going to called the Village. We decided to meet up there to just catch up, and I desperately wanted to go since I hadn't been to church in months.
On a Sunday night in March, I went to the Village Church in Highland Village, Texas for the first time. That night, God answered my prayer. In a way only the spirit can understand, I knew he had brought me home. In the following months, he has continually brought me to my knees with his mercies that run ever anew. I have found a small group of men my age to walk with, and these men are following after Christ in such a way that I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the power of the Holy Spirit. What wondrous, everlasting, merciful works he does! Why does he have such mercy on us? I do not know.
(note-6/11/07-He does this for His glory. Everything in life is about His glory)
In my time at the Village, God has given me the opportunity, and given me the courage to talk about my past. On one night in particular, I was able to share my story with a small group of men. On that night, for the first time, I told someone about all of my many failures as a man, a husband, and a friend. I told them of my crippling, hurtful addiction to pornography, my year and a half spent in a serious depression without working at all, and my addiction and obsession with film. It hurt so much to relive those times, and those sins. To relive how much I hurt you, a daughter of God, and so precious in his sight. But it was part of sharing the real me, not some fake, idealized version of me. So I laid myself bare before Jesus' cross, and my brothers in Christ. And at the cross I found mercy. Mercy that I do not, and cannot understand. Why? Why has God come down, picked me up, and blessed me with this wonderful place, these beautiful people, and this blessed time? Once again, I cannot say. I have no words to describe his love.
In the past few weeks, I have felt the urge to write you a letter. In the years that have passed, I've felt so many things. Hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, sorrow, love, hope, fear, compassion, empathy--so many emotions. But ultimately in this past year, as what we know of time has passed, God has given me a peace, love, and joy that passes all understanding. In his time, he has shown me Grace and a Severe Mercy. So, my spirit has turned, and turned with the feeling that I should write you.
I wronged you. In so many, many ways I wronged you, and wounded you. And as a human in close contact there is no other way. This is why Jesus died on the cross: to forgive my wrongs against him, for I have no way way to justify myself to him in any other way. And this is his Mercy! That through all of my failures and hurtful actions, he forgives me, and on top of that, blesses me with a home, and friends that I do not deserve in any possible way! But even though I know he has forgiven me for my wrongs against him, there is something else left. That something is for me to ask you in all truth and sincerity, knowing the intense hurt that I caused you, to forgive me for my wrongs against you. That is why I am writing this letter.
So, I am asking you for forgiveness for the wrongs I committed against you. For my selfishness, for my failure as a husband in every way, spiritually, physically, and financially, and for my failure as a brother in Christ to lead you as I vowed. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am so sorry. I ask you for your forgiveness.
I want to give you a link to a message called, "Beyond The Sun: Reconciliation."
If the link doesn't work, and you want to hear the message, just go to the iTunes store and search, "Matt Chandler" in the top right-hand corner. You should see Village Church sermon audio, and from there you can choose, "Beyond The Sun" #12" from October 15. This message hit me in a deep way. And tonight's message was just another example of God showering me with his abundant grace. After tonight, I had to write, and I wanted to write.
That is all I have to say. I ask for his blessings on your life, and your family's life.
This is a letter I wrote to the woman who was my wife. I place it here only in the hopes that in reading this, one marriage might be saved before it is too late, and for his glory. Know this is hard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
October 15, 2006 10:10 P.M.
I hope you are well. Wow, it's hard to write you a letter. Harder than I thought it would be. I hope one of these emails is even right. Tonight, I had to write you a letter. I want to write you a letter. Why? Let me try to tell you in a brief way.
In March of last year, I was lying in my bed, crying out for help, crying to God. All I could say was, "Please, please help me to find a church home. I don't know what it looks like, or where it is, but I need help." I had been praying this for a few months. One day, I got a call from Miranda Stephenson. She was calling about our high school reunion. In the midst of our conversation she asked me if I had a church home. I said no. Then she told me about this place she was going to called the Village. We decided to meet up there to just catch up, and I desperately wanted to go since I hadn't been to church in months.
On a Sunday night in March, I went to the Village Church in Highland Village, Texas for the first time. That night, God answered my prayer. In a way only the spirit can understand, I knew he had brought me home. In the following months, he has continually brought me to my knees with his mercies that run ever anew. I have found a small group of men my age to walk with, and these men are following after Christ in such a way that I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the power of the Holy Spirit. What wondrous, everlasting, merciful works he does! Why does he have such mercy on us? I do not know.
(note-6/11/07-He does this for His glory. Everything in life is about His glory)
In my time at the Village, God has given me the opportunity, and given me the courage to talk about my past. On one night in particular, I was able to share my story with a small group of men. On that night, for the first time, I told someone about all of my many failures as a man, a husband, and a friend. I told them of my crippling, hurtful addiction to pornography, my year and a half spent in a serious depression without working at all, and my addiction and obsession with film. It hurt so much to relive those times, and those sins. To relive how much I hurt you, a daughter of God, and so precious in his sight. But it was part of sharing the real me, not some fake, idealized version of me. So I laid myself bare before Jesus' cross, and my brothers in Christ. And at the cross I found mercy. Mercy that I do not, and cannot understand. Why? Why has God come down, picked me up, and blessed me with this wonderful place, these beautiful people, and this blessed time? Once again, I cannot say. I have no words to describe his love.
In the past few weeks, I have felt the urge to write you a letter. In the years that have passed, I've felt so many things. Hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, sorrow, love, hope, fear, compassion, empathy--so many emotions. But ultimately in this past year, as what we know of time has passed, God has given me a peace, love, and joy that passes all understanding. In his time, he has shown me Grace and a Severe Mercy. So, my spirit has turned, and turned with the feeling that I should write you.
I wronged you. In so many, many ways I wronged you, and wounded you. And as a human in close contact there is no other way. This is why Jesus died on the cross: to forgive my wrongs against him, for I have no way way to justify myself to him in any other way. And this is his Mercy! That through all of my failures and hurtful actions, he forgives me, and on top of that, blesses me with a home, and friends that I do not deserve in any possible way! But even though I know he has forgiven me for my wrongs against him, there is something else left. That something is for me to ask you in all truth and sincerity, knowing the intense hurt that I caused you, to forgive me for my wrongs against you. That is why I am writing this letter.
So, I am asking you for forgiveness for the wrongs I committed against you. For my selfishness, for my failure as a husband in every way, spiritually, physically, and financially, and for my failure as a brother in Christ to lead you as I vowed. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am so sorry. I ask you for your forgiveness.
I want to give you a link to a message called, "Beyond The Sun: Reconciliation."
If the link doesn't work, and you want to hear the message, just go to the iTunes store and search, "Matt Chandler" in the top right-hand corner. You should see Village Church sermon audio, and from there you can choose, "Beyond The Sun" #12" from October 15. This message hit me in a deep way. And tonight's message was just another example of God showering me with his abundant grace. After tonight, I had to write, and I wanted to write.
That is all I have to say. I ask for his blessings on your life, and your family's life.
An Update
In light of the Letter post, I want to give a few updates.
One is that, my former wife is married. She has been married for a while. I only write this for you to know if you do read the letter. I knew she was engaged when I wrote the letter, and I never meant for it to be a reconciliation letter in the sense of us reuniting. It was a letter written out of the mercies of Jesus.
Two, I have been free from pornography and masturbation since October 14, 2006. A big part of that is from how God has worked in my life through my time at the Village, and Matt's sermon on October 15th 2006. But since then, he has worked in a deeper way.
Not too long after this time, I had the blessing to meet with Josh Patterson, another pastor at our church, and someone I can now thankfully call a friend. God spoke through him so strongly in many ways that day. He spoke to me of hope in a profound way, telling me about how God will redeem the dark times I regret for his purposes and glory. He also told me to seek counseling and guidance on the deeper heart issues behind my addictions. I am so thankful for his time with me that day, for his friendship, and for his service to our church.
Through God's grace, I have entered counseling, been prayed over by friends, and learned many truths. Some of these are: I have sought things from people that they were not meant to give. I fear people. I am scared for people to know the real me.
It's so much easier to hide behind a computer, than to be known. In my mind, I thought the computer couldn't reject me or hurt me. So, I burrowed into a basement of self-addiction so no one could hurt me. Right...
So God, through pastors, friends, books, his word, and prayer has been teaching of my sinful heart, and all of its betrayals and wounds. But also of its desires. For some of these are true, and planted there by him. Namely the overwhelming, magnetic need to worship. Oh, how I have worshiped creation, and not creator.
The more he changes my very being, the less I want anything else. God, may you be glorified, not me. May my heart seek you, and nothing else. You are majestic and above all things. You are everything.
One is that, my former wife is married. She has been married for a while. I only write this for you to know if you do read the letter. I knew she was engaged when I wrote the letter, and I never meant for it to be a reconciliation letter in the sense of us reuniting. It was a letter written out of the mercies of Jesus.
Two, I have been free from pornography and masturbation since October 14, 2006. A big part of that is from how God has worked in my life through my time at the Village, and Matt's sermon on October 15th 2006. But since then, he has worked in a deeper way.
Not too long after this time, I had the blessing to meet with Josh Patterson, another pastor at our church, and someone I can now thankfully call a friend. God spoke through him so strongly in many ways that day. He spoke to me of hope in a profound way, telling me about how God will redeem the dark times I regret for his purposes and glory. He also told me to seek counseling and guidance on the deeper heart issues behind my addictions. I am so thankful for his time with me that day, for his friendship, and for his service to our church.
Through God's grace, I have entered counseling, been prayed over by friends, and learned many truths. Some of these are: I have sought things from people that they were not meant to give. I fear people. I am scared for people to know the real me.
It's so much easier to hide behind a computer, than to be known. In my mind, I thought the computer couldn't reject me or hurt me. So, I burrowed into a basement of self-addiction so no one could hurt me. Right...
So God, through pastors, friends, books, his word, and prayer has been teaching of my sinful heart, and all of its betrayals and wounds. But also of its desires. For some of these are true, and planted there by him. Namely the overwhelming, magnetic need to worship. Oh, how I have worshiped creation, and not creator.
The more he changes my very being, the less I want anything else. God, may you be glorified, not me. May my heart seek you, and nothing else. You are majestic and above all things. You are everything.
When People Are Big And God Is Small
I've been harpooned lately in a beautiful way. It's because of God's grace through a man named Paul Matthies, and a book called, When People Are Big And God Is Small, by Ed Welch.
Paul recently left us for a while to serve the Lord in a different place, but before he went, I got to see a little of how he lives. On a farewell night we had for Paul at the church, my friend Geoff said something like this about Paul and to Paul:
"Several years ago we sat in a circle, and pleaded in prayer with God, for him to break of us self-addiction. It was a moving time of prayer and petition before the Lord. Paul, I can say that in watching you grow over these last few years, God has answered that prayer in you."
How true, and how wonderful to see God's faithfulness to his children. Since that night, this has been my prayer for me, my friends, and my church. I believe in a huge way, God is faithfully helping me with this through When People Are Big And God Is Small. I believe the absolute root of my self-addiction comes from not fearing and worshiping the Lord above all things and all people.
As Ed Welch points out, look at the prayers God chose to leave us with for eternity. See what these prayers ask God for. The first thing Jesus says as he teaches the disciples to pray is, "Father, Hallowed be your name." Hallowed means to be greatly revered and respected. To Hallow means to make Holy, to consecrate. Jesus, above all things, asks for God, His Father, to be Hallowed, to be greatly revered and respected. In the book of John, right before the Crucifixion, Jesus asks the Father to glorify him, so that the Father may be glorified. The Psalms record many prayers asking for God to be glorified in all the earth.
What I can't find so far, are prayers asking for God to give us someone to love us. Or for God to give us someone to love. Or for God to bless us with things. The only love I can find people asking for is God's steadfast love.
Too often I have found myself craving these things. I want them for myself. May that be taken from me, and anything else that would take away from God's glory. My self-addiction springs from a distorted view of the Father, and of myself.
Please father, smash the cup. Raise the mirror.
Paul recently left us for a while to serve the Lord in a different place, but before he went, I got to see a little of how he lives. On a farewell night we had for Paul at the church, my friend Geoff said something like this about Paul and to Paul:
"Several years ago we sat in a circle, and pleaded in prayer with God, for him to break of us self-addiction. It was a moving time of prayer and petition before the Lord. Paul, I can say that in watching you grow over these last few years, God has answered that prayer in you."
How true, and how wonderful to see God's faithfulness to his children. Since that night, this has been my prayer for me, my friends, and my church. I believe in a huge way, God is faithfully helping me with this through When People Are Big And God Is Small. I believe the absolute root of my self-addiction comes from not fearing and worshiping the Lord above all things and all people.
As Ed Welch points out, look at the prayers God chose to leave us with for eternity. See what these prayers ask God for. The first thing Jesus says as he teaches the disciples to pray is, "Father, Hallowed be your name." Hallowed means to be greatly revered and respected. To Hallow means to make Holy, to consecrate. Jesus, above all things, asks for God, His Father, to be Hallowed, to be greatly revered and respected. In the book of John, right before the Crucifixion, Jesus asks the Father to glorify him, so that the Father may be glorified. The Psalms record many prayers asking for God to be glorified in all the earth.
What I can't find so far, are prayers asking for God to give us someone to love us. Or for God to give us someone to love. Or for God to bless us with things. The only love I can find people asking for is God's steadfast love.
Too often I have found myself craving these things. I want them for myself. May that be taken from me, and anything else that would take away from God's glory. My self-addiction springs from a distorted view of the Father, and of myself.
Please father, smash the cup. Raise the mirror.
An Enemy Of Christ
Some part of me deep down feels as if God saw a speck of good in me, and took pity on me because of this grain of sand. How long will it take for me to wholly understand the gospel?
I have done nothing to merit his favor. Not only that, I have even pushed him away. His own word says before his saving work in my life, I was his enemy. Wow. That is such a massive part of the gospel that I can't fully grasp. But it's vital to know.
It breaks my heart even more before the cross. But more than that, it is crucial for me to see that God saved me, even though I was his enemy, because it is from this perspective I must view his current enemies. It should not be as one I can't understand, but as one I used to be.
I have done nothing to merit his favor. Not only that, I have even pushed him away. His own word says before his saving work in my life, I was his enemy. Wow. That is such a massive part of the gospel that I can't fully grasp. But it's vital to know.
It breaks my heart even more before the cross. But more than that, it is crucial for me to see that God saved me, even though I was his enemy, because it is from this perspective I must view his current enemies. It should not be as one I can't understand, but as one I used to be.
Compassion
There are many times I don't have compassion for people. My heart breaks, and I weep in bed as I watch the movie, HOTEL RWANDA. How are we living here in America? What are we doing with our resources? I hurt for the people in broken places.
But there is another group of people I find myself having no compassion for. People like I once was, and, if I'm not watchful and prayerful, could be again. I'm speaking of the one who has been saved by grace, but is lost in the fog of this world. The one who comes to church hoping to blend in, and never be seen. The person who cries out on the inside for help at night, but who hides from everyone in the day. Those who need help.
This is part of my story. I was that person. And God in his knee bending grace brought me home through the obedience of one of his children. So, why don't I have compassion for those that are wandering from the church? What is wrong with me?
I think I know a reason. It is a dark thing, and one that is easy to ignore. In the past few weeks, the Holy Spirit has shown me it is at the core of my being, at the heart of my wounds.
The reason is this: I don't think those people can fill me with anything.
I wish I didn't have to write that. I wish I wasn't that selfish. I don't want to be this way. Here's the rub: this is just the beginning. It's not just that I don't always feel the need to help those around me who are hurting. It's not just that I look to those I love to fill me with something they were never meant to give. No, it runs much deeper than that.
It's that I ultimately look to everyone, including God, to fill me so that I can be happy. And whoever or whatever I think can best do that at any given time I put on a pedestal. I bow down to that idol, and do whatever I can to appease it. I am Israel before the Golden Calf, even when God, in all his majesty has just parted the Red Sea, and destroyed the most powerful army in the world! Oh, what is wrong with me! Father, have mercy on this sinner. How long will I be stuck in this skin?
But, even in this darkness, His light breaks over the desert line. For this is what he has been teaching me: I AM. I AM. I AM.
I AM The Creator. I AM Majestic. I AM Holy. I AM Lord. I AM Father. I AM Son. I AM Wonder. I AM Delight. I AM Joy. I AM Peace. I AM Power. I AM Light. I AM Beauty. I AM Maker. I AM Ruler. I AM Provider. I AM Lover. I AM Grower. I AM Hallowed.
I AM. I AM. I AM.
One of my deepest, darkest sins is this: I put man above God. I make people into the everything of my life, instead of the One who IS Life. Even in those times I see him as Life, I see it as Life for me, as happiness for me. Stop it! Stop this madness.
So, where do I go? What hope is there for me? What hope is there for any of us?
There is God. God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. He is not there to fill me. He is there to be worshiped. He is there to be hallowed. It is not about me being filled, it is about me in some small way, reflecting the brilliance of the King to the broken places of the earth, to the broken people of the earth. It is not about what those broken people can do for me. It is not even entirely about what God can do for them through the church as his hands and feet, although this is wondrous.
This whole thing is not about any of us--the lost, the broken, the saved, the poor, the rich--it is about Him. It is about Jesus. It is about I AM.
True compassion comes from worshiping him. True love flows out of His cup in such a way that we do not have cups anymore, only a mirror to reflect His glory in all the earth.
If you can, even once, please pray for me. Pray that I will stop looking to others to fill me. Pray that I will stop using the bible as a puzzle to be figured out. Pray that I will lose everything, fall on my knees, and worship the Maker of all. If this doesn't happen, there will never be any real compassion for others, only needs and wants. Pray that I will fear Him, and not people. Pray that I will worship him, and not people or things. Pray that this empty cup will be smashed into a million pieces for his glory.
I pray this for you.
But there is another group of people I find myself having no compassion for. People like I once was, and, if I'm not watchful and prayerful, could be again. I'm speaking of the one who has been saved by grace, but is lost in the fog of this world. The one who comes to church hoping to blend in, and never be seen. The person who cries out on the inside for help at night, but who hides from everyone in the day. Those who need help.
This is part of my story. I was that person. And God in his knee bending grace brought me home through the obedience of one of his children. So, why don't I have compassion for those that are wandering from the church? What is wrong with me?
I think I know a reason. It is a dark thing, and one that is easy to ignore. In the past few weeks, the Holy Spirit has shown me it is at the core of my being, at the heart of my wounds.
The reason is this: I don't think those people can fill me with anything.
I wish I didn't have to write that. I wish I wasn't that selfish. I don't want to be this way. Here's the rub: this is just the beginning. It's not just that I don't always feel the need to help those around me who are hurting. It's not just that I look to those I love to fill me with something they were never meant to give. No, it runs much deeper than that.
It's that I ultimately look to everyone, including God, to fill me so that I can be happy. And whoever or whatever I think can best do that at any given time I put on a pedestal. I bow down to that idol, and do whatever I can to appease it. I am Israel before the Golden Calf, even when God, in all his majesty has just parted the Red Sea, and destroyed the most powerful army in the world! Oh, what is wrong with me! Father, have mercy on this sinner. How long will I be stuck in this skin?
But, even in this darkness, His light breaks over the desert line. For this is what he has been teaching me: I AM. I AM. I AM.
I AM The Creator. I AM Majestic. I AM Holy. I AM Lord. I AM Father. I AM Son. I AM Wonder. I AM Delight. I AM Joy. I AM Peace. I AM Power. I AM Light. I AM Beauty. I AM Maker. I AM Ruler. I AM Provider. I AM Lover. I AM Grower. I AM Hallowed.
I AM. I AM. I AM.
One of my deepest, darkest sins is this: I put man above God. I make people into the everything of my life, instead of the One who IS Life. Even in those times I see him as Life, I see it as Life for me, as happiness for me. Stop it! Stop this madness.
So, where do I go? What hope is there for me? What hope is there for any of us?
There is God. God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. He is not there to fill me. He is there to be worshiped. He is there to be hallowed. It is not about me being filled, it is about me in some small way, reflecting the brilliance of the King to the broken places of the earth, to the broken people of the earth. It is not about what those broken people can do for me. It is not even entirely about what God can do for them through the church as his hands and feet, although this is wondrous.
This whole thing is not about any of us--the lost, the broken, the saved, the poor, the rich--it is about Him. It is about Jesus. It is about I AM.
True compassion comes from worshiping him. True love flows out of His cup in such a way that we do not have cups anymore, only a mirror to reflect His glory in all the earth.
If you can, even once, please pray for me. Pray that I will stop looking to others to fill me. Pray that I will stop using the bible as a puzzle to be figured out. Pray that I will lose everything, fall on my knees, and worship the Maker of all. If this doesn't happen, there will never be any real compassion for others, only needs and wants. Pray that I will fear Him, and not people. Pray that I will worship him, and not people or things. Pray that this empty cup will be smashed into a million pieces for his glory.
I pray this for you.
Reading and Learning
I act and feel as if reading something once enters it into my brain, files it into some kind of action chip, and processes it so that I'm forever changed. Ha ha dum dum.
I need people to pray for me about what I've learned. Wounds that have been with me my whole life will not go away because I read an insightful, wise book. I have to pray. I have to seek out help everyday. Apart from a miracle God desires, it will not happen overnight.
I need people to pray for me about what I've learned. Wounds that have been with me my whole life will not go away because I read an insightful, wise book. I have to pray. I have to seek out help everyday. Apart from a miracle God desires, it will not happen overnight.
Monday, February 5, 2007
Please
I want to have people tell me to calm down when it comes to my relationship with Jesus. I want to be radical in my walk with him. I want my relationship with him to consume every part of my life. I don't want to have compartments and settings in my life. I want the freedom that comes with knowing Christ fully.
I don't want to be known as a guy who loves movies, or a guy who works for Apple. I want to be known as a Christian, a disciple of Jesus in every aspect of life, and as a covenant member of the Village Church. May it be that I'm known that way.
And may all of that be for God's glory as, through the Holy Spirit, I share what he has done in my life, my friend's lives, and my church's life. May it be for His name and no other. God, fill me with a knowledge and a love for you. Oh, most of all with a love. Thank you for coming to get me, my friends, and my church family. God, let me not fall into the ruts of the past. Please, let me fall into the eternity of you. Please.
Love,
Kent
I don't want to be known as a guy who loves movies, or a guy who works for Apple. I want to be known as a Christian, a disciple of Jesus in every aspect of life, and as a covenant member of the Village Church. May it be that I'm known that way.
And may all of that be for God's glory as, through the Holy Spirit, I share what he has done in my life, my friend's lives, and my church's life. May it be for His name and no other. God, fill me with a knowledge and a love for you. Oh, most of all with a love. Thank you for coming to get me, my friends, and my church family. God, let me not fall into the ruts of the past. Please, let me fall into the eternity of you. Please.
Love,
Kent
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