Compassion

There are many times I don't have compassion for people. My heart breaks, and I weep in bed as I watch the movie, HOTEL RWANDA. How are we living here in America? What are we doing with our resources? I hurt for the people in broken places.

But there is another group of people I find myself having no compassion for. People like I once was, and, if I'm not watchful and prayerful, could be again. I'm speaking of the one who has been saved by grace, but is lost in the fog of this world. The one who comes to church hoping to blend in, and never be seen. The person who cries out on the inside for help at night, but who hides from everyone in the day. Those who need help.

This is part of my story. I was that person. And God in his knee bending grace brought me home through the obedience of one of his children. So, why don't I have compassion for those that are wandering from the church? What is wrong with me?

I think I know a reason. It is a dark thing, and one that is easy to ignore. In the past few weeks, the Holy Spirit has shown me it is at the core of my being, at the heart of my wounds.

The reason is this: I don't think those people can fill me with anything.

I wish I didn't have to write that. I wish I wasn't that selfish. I don't want to be this way. Here's the rub: this is just the beginning. It's not just that I don't always feel the need to help those around me who are hurting. It's not just that I look to those I love to fill me with something they were never meant to give. No, it runs much deeper than that.

It's that I ultimately look to everyone, including God, to fill me so that I can be happy. And whoever or whatever I think can best do that at any given time I put on a pedestal. I bow down to that idol, and do whatever I can to appease it. I am Israel before the Golden Calf, even when God, in all his majesty has just parted the Red Sea, and destroyed the most powerful army in the world! Oh, what is wrong with me! Father, have mercy on this sinner. How long will I be stuck in this skin?

But, even in this darkness, His light breaks over the desert line. For this is what he has been teaching me: I AM. I AM. I AM.

I AM The Creator. I AM Majestic. I AM Holy. I AM Lord. I AM Father. I AM Son. I AM Wonder. I AM Delight. I AM Joy. I AM Peace. I AM Power. I AM Light. I AM Beauty. I AM Maker. I AM Ruler. I AM Provider. I AM Lover. I AM Grower. I AM Hallowed.

I AM. I AM. I AM.

One of my deepest, darkest sins is this: I put man above God. I make people into the everything of my life, instead of the One who IS Life. Even in those times I see him as Life, I see it as Life for me, as happiness for me. Stop it! Stop this madness.

So, where do I go? What hope is there for me? What hope is there for any of us?

There is God. God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Spirit. He is not there to fill me. He is there to be worshiped. He is there to be hallowed. It is not about me being filled, it is about me in some small way, reflecting the brilliance of the King to the broken places of the earth, to the broken people of the earth. It is not about what those broken people can do for me. It is not even entirely about what God can do for them through the church as his hands and feet, although this is wondrous.

This whole thing is not about any of us--the lost, the broken, the saved, the poor, the rich--it is about Him. It is about Jesus. It is about I AM.

True compassion comes from worshiping him. True love flows out of His cup in such a way that we do not have cups anymore, only a mirror to reflect His glory in all the earth.

If you can, even once, please pray for me. Pray that I will stop looking to others to fill me. Pray that I will stop using the bible as a puzzle to be figured out. Pray that I will lose everything, fall on my knees, and worship the Maker of all. If this doesn't happen, there will never be any real compassion for others, only needs and wants. Pray that I will fear Him, and not people. Pray that I will worship him, and not people or things. Pray that this empty cup will be smashed into a million pieces for his glory.

I pray this for you.