The Shadow Forest

I have had many people ask me where the name Shadow Forest comes from. A good friend of mine named Jonathan gave me the name Shadow Forest. It is my "poet" name.

Each year, Jonathan takes a group of senior high school guys in Waco, Texas, and spends the year with them. Jonathan is the most passionate person I've ever met. When I'm around him, there is an energy that ripples through my soul for days after we part. He is a deep thinker, and an insightful word smith.

During the year with the seniors, Jonathan has them write poetry under a bridge, takes them on journeys into forests, and sits with them in meadows as God paints the sky with a thousand colors. This year is a time for them to open up about the deeper things in their lives, and to hopefully speak honestly about their struggles and fears, as well as their hopes and dreams. Throughout the year, each young man writes journal entries, poetry, fiction, and even creates other art like photography and painting.

At the end of the year many meaningful things happen that I will not share here, but one that I will share is that each person is given a name. This is their "poet" name. If you have ever seen DEAD POETS SOCIETY, it is something like this.

One year, I was fortunate enough to be at a meeting where the young men received their name. I thought Jonathan was finished, but he turned to me, and presented me with my name. It was very meaningful to me.

I first met Jonathan during the time she was in Italy, and after she left, our new friendship was an immense blessing. We talked often of great books, writing, and adventure. He was and is such an encouragement. For him to give me a name, and make me a part of the group meant a great deal.

The name he gave me that night was, The Shadow Forest. He gave me this name, and in a beautiful way, described why he was giving me this name. I lost my little piece of paper, but in general this is why he gave me the name:

He said the deepest parts and truest parts of me are hidden. That only in walking in the forest could one see the real me, and even then it was like shadows that one walks in and out of.

I thought this was the greatest thing at the time. It is so true of me. It cut to my heart.

But it hasn't been until recently that I have seen the tragedy in it. I hide in the forest. I love the forest because of the shadows it throws over me. I don't want people to know me, because then they will leave me.

This isn't what God desires for me, or any of his children. It is bondage. What am I hiding from? There is no shame after the resurrection. Jesus paid the price in his blood. What more do I need? If people leave me, that is them seeking needs from me instead of God. My need to have them near is me needing them over God. The desire for community is great. It is biblical. The feeling that my life will be over if I don't get it from certain people is wrong. God ultimately must be my provider, comforter, and nurturer, not man or things.

Oh, how I struggle with this everyday. My tendency is to hide. I like to be up at night, and asleep in the day. I like to be by myself. I need help to stop this. I need Him to change me.

Now the name Shadow Forest has many meanings for me. It is a stream divided. For now it reminds me not to hide. I don't want to live in the Shadows.