A Letter

A Letter

This is a letter I wrote to the woman who was my wife. I place it here only in the hopes that in reading this, one marriage might be saved before it is too late, and for his glory. Know this is hard.

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October 15, 2006 10:10 P.M.

I hope you are well. Wow, it's hard to write you a letter. Harder than I thought it would be. I hope one of these emails is even right. Tonight, I had to write you a letter. I want to write you a letter. Why? Let me try to tell you in a brief way.

In March of last year, I was lying in my bed, crying out for help, crying to God. All I could say was, "Please, please help me to find a church home. I don't know what it looks like, or where it is, but I need help." I had been praying this for a few months. One day, I got a call from Miranda Stephenson. She was calling about our high school reunion. In the midst of our conversation she asked me if I had a church home. I said no. Then she told me about this place she was going to called the Village. We decided to meet up there to just catch up, and I desperately wanted to go since I hadn't been to church in months.

On a Sunday night in March, I went to the Village Church in Highland Village, Texas for the first time. That night, God answered my prayer. In a way only the spirit can understand, I knew he had brought me home. In the following months, he has continually brought me to my knees with his mercies that run ever anew. I have found a small group of men my age to walk with, and these men are following after Christ in such a way that I cannot help but be overwhelmed by the power of the Holy Spirit. What wondrous, everlasting, merciful works he does! Why does he have such mercy on us? I do not know.

(note-6/11/07-He does this for His glory. Everything in life is about His glory)

In my time at the Village, God has given me the opportunity, and given me the courage to talk about my past. On one night in particular, I was able to share my story with a small group of men. On that night, for the first time, I told someone about all of my many failures as a man, a husband, and a friend. I told them of my crippling, hurtful addiction to pornography, my year and a half spent in a serious depression without working at all, and my addiction and obsession with film. It hurt so much to relive those times, and those sins. To relive how much I hurt you, a daughter of God, and so precious in his sight. But it was part of sharing the real me, not some fake, idealized version of me. So I laid myself bare before Jesus' cross, and my brothers in Christ. And at the cross I found mercy. Mercy that I do not, and cannot understand. Why? Why has God come down, picked me up, and blessed me with this wonderful place, these beautiful people, and this blessed time? Once again, I cannot say. I have no words to describe his love.

In the past few weeks, I have felt the urge to write you a letter. In the years that have passed, I've felt so many things. Hurt, anger, betrayal, sadness, sorrow, love, hope, fear, compassion, empathy--so many emotions. But ultimately in this past year, as what we know of time has passed, God has given me a peace, love, and joy that passes all understanding. In his time, he has shown me Grace and a Severe Mercy. So, my spirit has turned, and turned with the feeling that I should write you.

I wronged you. In so many, many ways I wronged you, and wounded you. And as a human in close contact there is no other way. This is why Jesus died on the cross: to forgive my wrongs against him, for I have no way way to justify myself to him in any other way. And this is his Mercy! That through all of my failures and hurtful actions, he forgives me, and on top of that, blesses me with a home, and friends that I do not deserve in any possible way! But even though I know he has forgiven me for my wrongs against him, there is something else left. That something is for me to ask you in all truth and sincerity, knowing the intense hurt that I caused you, to forgive me for my wrongs against you. That is why I am writing this letter.

So, I am asking you for forgiveness for the wrongs I committed against you. For my selfishness, for my failure as a husband in every way, spiritually, physically, and financially, and for my failure as a brother in Christ to lead you as I vowed. I am sorry that I hurt you. I am so sorry. I ask you for your forgiveness.

I want to give you a link to a message called, "Beyond The Sun: Reconciliation."

If the link doesn't work, and you want to hear the message, just go to the iTunes store and search, "Matt Chandler" in the top right-hand corner. You should see Village Church sermon audio, and from there you can choose, "Beyond The Sun" #12" from October 15. This message hit me in a deep way. And tonight's message was just another example of God showering me with his abundant grace. After tonight, I had to write, and I wanted to write.

That is all I have to say. I ask for his blessings on your life, and your family's life.